I drew the Tesla Cybertruck when I was 11 years old once. I didn’t brag about it.
If you didn’t watch the reveal video, it starts like this: out strolls California’s Lord and Savior, Elon Jesus Moses the Martian, smugly claiming that pickup trucks haven’t changed much in “100 years,” and proceeded to show the progression of a pickup truck, through photos. And the crowd, intoxicated by Elon’s musk, rabidly agrees. Trucks still have beds! How pathetic! They still utilize frame rails! How primitive!
Behold, monkeys. Elon invented what’s called an “exoskeleton,” and you’ve probably never heard of it. In order to accomplish this miracle, Tesla borrowed space material from SpaceX, Elon’s far more interesting company, which they mined from volcano on Mars. It’s 30x cold-rolled stainless-steel capable of stopping a 9mm round that makes up the *ahem* body of this electric pickup truck, while thickened armored glass further protects occupants from anybody hailing from a flyover state.
Later in the press conference, the payload and towing figures of the Tesla Cybertruck are listed. The crowd is silent. Silent because they don’t actually know what the numbers mean. All they know is: iT cAn bEaT A pOrScHe iN a StRaiGht lInE LoL. Then again, this truck is specifically for those kinds of people. The matter-of-fact accomplished types that somehow have gotten this far without figuring out the difference between their asses and a hole in the ground.
The event also featured a sledgehammer, a glass durability demonstration that went hilariously awry, and some trendy bois carrying these flashy demonstrations as if they were magic tricks. Carrying them out like the disciples to their savior that they are.
As with the vaporware Tesla semi truck, the people behind this project took in no real expert input nor do they seem to have any real experience with actual pickup trucks. Did anybody stop to realize why trucks have the overall design that they do? No, of course not, that wouldn’t be sexy.
As if Detroit, Stuttgart, Nagoya, and Wolfsburg have collectively gotten everything wrong this whole time. As if their combined centuries of experience have somehow strayed completely away from reason, and all of their engineers are subhuman.
Then again, they probably don’t have contact with the Martians like Elon does, who probably told him to do this as a psyop. We are all disgusted, yet curious.
At a “starting” price of $39,000, this four-wheeled Star Fox 64 mini boss will tow a mundane 7,500 pounds, with a payload rating of 3,500 pounds. There was little talk about range loss – which, oh yes, there definitely will be – or battery degradation when it comes to utilizing this truck beyond anything but a four-wheeled conversation piece. Unladen, the Tesla Cybertruck in its base single-motor rear-wheel drive form will hit 60 mph in 6.5 seconds, with an estimated range of 250 miles.
There’s a major caveat here. All pickup trucks adhere to various standards put together by the Society of Automotive Engineers (SAE) – an independent, non-governmental entity that stands for better standards and practices. Towing and payload both adhere to an SAE standard. Elon Christ and Tesla like to pretend they’ve never heard of the SAE. Hence, why the Tesla charging systems are different than the rest of the industry. That’s not innovative, but it is unnecessary. Just the same, the Tesla Cybertruck likely hasn’t run through any SAE testing for towing or payload. And, judging by how that rear end suspension performed a Carolina squat with nothing more than an electric ATV in the bed. And don’t blame the active air suspension. The 2020 Ram 1500 has it, and nothing even close to what happened during the Tesla presentation happens on that Michigan-made truck. All it’s good for is letting whatever it is somebody might be loading into the “vault” of this Tesla truck to slide or roll out of it. Brilliant.
3,500 lbs payload? With that kind of rear suspension play? That JRE blunt rip from a year ago must still be working.
The numbers get less believable as we go up the content ladder. The $49,900 AWD dual-motor version is estimated to hit 60 mph in 4.5 seconds and tow a more truck-like 10,000 pounds. A Ram 1500 – the alleged primitive fossil that it is – can tow over 12,500 lbs.
The most formidable Tesla Cybertruck will be priced at $69,900, and is said to be capable of going 500 miles on a full charge. With its Plaid tri-motor powertrain, Musk claims it will rocket to 60 mph in 2.9 seconds (like the C8 Corvette) and complete the quarter mile in just over 10 seconds. Towing capacity for this version is 14,000 pounds, or in line with a more affordable and more proven 2020 Chevrolet Silverado 2500 or GMC Sierra 2500 HD pickup truck.
As everybody could plainly see, this project is far from being done. And even if we omit the Martian design language for a moment, things are still in concept car mode. No mirrors, no windshield wiper, and a wheel/tire combination that’s likely unfit for production all point to things being very early in the process.
Production for the Tesla Cybertruck is set for late 2021 – a full two years away. By now we should expect that the California automaker will likely be delayed on that timeline. And in between that, Tesla is scheduled to produce the Model Y, the new Roadster and the Semi truck in 2020 – the latter two have been completely MIA since their 2017 announcement. What could possibly set Tesla back between then and now?
Figuring out what it takes to build a pickup truck, for one.